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I also discovered that there’s a reason a group of crows is called a murder, as I died to more beaks than I cared to count.

Really small – slaughtering-sheep small, which wasn’t my proudest moment. As it turns out, it was an awful lot of fun. She would become… the Horribly Slow Astrologer with the Extremely Inefficient Weapon. As soon as I discovered this shocking secret, Mystic Smeg’s fate was sealed.

It hurts them, but it does such a low amount of damage that it takes a ludicrous amount of whacking (insert your own mucky gag here) to kill them. The Astrologer’s magic staff can be used to cast spells (which, naturally, I didn’t use), but it can also be used to hit enemies. What kind of astrologer carries a sword? Sure, maybe when pushed they might be able to brain someone with a piece of rose quartz in a sock, but a sword? Was FromSoftware determined to make me get good?įortunately for my quest to the absolute worst, there was a loophole. Elden Ring was having none of that, arming me with a magic staff and a sword. I resolved that I wasn’t going to fling myself at enemies, but that I was going to be as ineffectual and as poorly armed as I could be. But the prospect of running around reeking of seafood was too hard to resist. I did consider that, after witnessing YouTuber Larry Bundy brought low by their power, they might be too powerful. Yes, you can select five prawns as the item you’re going to take into Elden Ring’s massive, monster-filled world. Sure, in FromSoftware’s world, astrologers probably do more than write massively general newspaper horoscopes, but all I could think of was confronting some colossal behemoth with their birth chart.Īs for a name, it was a tough call between Derek Cackorah and Mystic Smeg, but the latter won out. But the moment the word Astrologer flashed up on screen, I knew there could be no other choice. Running around in my pants was an option, as was wearing some sort of wooden box on my head. My first step was to select a character class that, in my mind at least, was just the worst. But as it turns out, trying to be bad at Elden Ring is rather good. Because, having died again and again in Demon’s Souls and Dark Souls, I reasoned that I might as well start with a losing streak. Who needs to “get good” when you can stay terrible? That’s the massively suspect philosophy that drove my first foray into FromSoftware’s Elden Ring.